Lindsay Lohan Is A Kombuchaholic

March 17, 2011 / Posted by:

The L.A. County Probation Department’s dream board features cutouts of Lindsay Lohan on posters for Chained Heat, The Big Doll House and Brokedown Palace, because they would love nothing more than to see the freckled Juvederm Muppet behind bars. They want it so bad that they are going to argue to the judge that she shit on her probation yet again by regularly drinking a tea that contains alcohol. TMZ says that LiLo admitted to her probation officer that she drinks Kombucha tea, which contains less than 0.5% of alcohol. To put things in perspective, saying the name “Lindsay Lohan” out loud fills your veins with more than 0.5% of alcohol. And when LiLo’s mouth happens to be open when White Oprah sneezes near her, she inhales more than 0.5% of alcohol. (“Sneeze in my face, MOM!!!!” – LiLo)

But who cares about petty details, the bitch is a Kombuchaholic and broke the rules. Toss her in the clink!

The Probation Department apparently has a list of reasons why the judge should send her back to her home away from home and the Kombucha thing is on that list.

This is ridiculous. It’s not like LiLo hooks herself up to an IV drip full of Kombucha while her nostrils snort up Kombucha and her asshole snorts up a Kombucha colonic. It’s also not like that bottle is really filled with whiskey tea and she’s going to use her delusional imagination to argue that Michael Lohan must’ve gotten a job at the tea factory so that he could ruin her by spiking her favorite shit with the sweet nectar. It’s not like that at all (it’s totally like that at all).

And on a different note, Kombucha Lohan would make a really good prison yard drag name. LiLo should keep that in mind.

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