Vanessa Lutz Is Getting Married Next Week

If only she was having a Freeway themed wedding complete with a bouquet of ugly sticks and vows that include the line: “I promise to love and to cherish you, and never do sex to your dead body.” Maybe next time. For now, Reese Witherspoon and her fiance Jim Toth are planning a traditional and intimate ceremony at her 7-acre estate in California’s Ojai Valley. Reese’s second time doing the marriage thing will start on March 26th. That’s what Radar is reporting.

A source says that 100 guests will watch Reese strut down the aisle in a Monique L’huillier hitchin’ dress while surrounded by white flowers and shit. Reese and Jim barely got engaged in December, but she wants to make it official before she begins whoring that Agua Para Elefantes movie out around the world.

I understood why Reese and Jim got engaged in the first place. The word “fiance” is much more fun to say than the word “boyfriend.” It’s like a delicate puff of fanciness leaping off your tongue. My cholita cousin pronounces it “fee-on-sea,” and even she sounds like an International lady when she says it. But I never thought Reese would actually turn her fee-on-sea into her husband! What an ice cold FUCK YOU to Jake Gyllenhaal!

When Reese and Jake stopped skipping down the streets together, the rumor was that it ended because she didn’t want to get married. Jakey would constantly hum “dun dun dundun” around the house, but Reese would always respond with silence. So it should be Jake under that canopy of white lilies! It should be Jake seductively pulling the garter off his leg at the reception! It should be Jake!

I swear, I hope Reese’s veil gets stuck on her chin when Jim tries to pull it up. Heartless!