Joe Jonas struts his shit down the hallway like he’s trying to scratch an itch on his prostate with every single stomp. That boy’s skinny jeans strut makes my nipples spit glitter, but that doesn’t mean he’s got a thirst that only peen can quench. Joe is a vagina loving, breast licking heterosexual in every single way. So even though the colors of the rainbow shoot off of his heels every time he steps, he’s completely straight. Joe talked about Taylor Swift (WHO CARES ABOUT THE SQUINT!) and declared his love for lady vagina to the completely heterosexual magazine Details.
He’s dated the troubled Disney star Demi Lovato (“I wish her the best”) and the actress Camilla Belle. Taylor Swift was so bitter after their breakup that she wrote a song about it (“Forever & Always”) and went on The Ellen DeGeneres Show, in 2008, to complain that Joe had dumped her in a phone call that lasted 27 seconds.
Joe countered by saying that it was Swift who had hung up on him. Now he says, “I think all artists have a right to write about what happens to them. But,” he adds with a smile, “I have a right to write about things too.”
He won’t say whether his album will contain a Swift rebuttal—just that there will be songs about “different love scenarios that I’ve been through, breakups, hurts. Me hurting somebody and feeling bad about it. I think there’s a lot of scenarios where people might wanna hear my side of the story.”
But who would break up with Joe?
“Some guy,” he says with a laugh.
It’s a nod to the gay rumors he’s been fending off ever since he got into a verbal altercation with some taunting paparazzi earlier this year. “There’s nothing wrong with being gay,” he says now, “but I’m not.”
“If I were gay, why not admit it? I am a normal man. I love women and sex. I am a real hot-blooded Puerto Rican, but I have never been attracted by sex with a man.” – Ricky Martin, 1999
“There’s nothing wrong with being gay, but I’m not.” – Joe Jonas, 2011
I’m joking. Joe Jonas would never tell a lie. You see those raven mink worms over his eyes? They would never stay with him if he told lies. Bitch would have bald brows. Eyebrows don’t like liars!