What Would Justin Bieber Say?!

In December of 2009, Usher made the phrase “dumb fuck” proud when he supposedly left $1 million worth of jooree and two laptops in the trunk of his car. When you leave over $1 million of valuables in a car that is not the OnStar lady’s wet dream KITT, the universe will reward your dumbfuckness by sending a ho to snatch your car. That’s exactly what happened to Usher and now TMZ is saying that he might’ve taken his dumbness to the next level by leaving a sex tape on one of those stolen laptops. Because now somebody is peddling an Usher fuck tape and trying to sell it to the highest bidder. And no, Usher’s sex tape will not make its debut at the NAMBLA Film Festival, because it doesn’t co-star a certain Canadian superstar toddler.

TMZ says they have seen two stills and a clip of the tape and can confirm Usher slurps on the wet parts of his ex-wife Tameka Foster. TMZ also adds that “the people in the video are both givers.”

My fuck parts are in a state of confusion over this. On one hand, it’s a good day whenever dick gets its time under the spotlight. On the other hand, the dick is attached to Justin Bieber’s adoptive daddy and it’s also getting some tongue action from the big-boned skeleton that is Tameka Foster. The thought of those two scissoring is already a traumatic experience, but now those thoughts might be brought to life on our monitors? Well, it’s good news for those of you who are fans of Skeletor and Orko porn fiction.

Don’t get me wrong, my love for seeing peen in action knows no bounds, so I would definitely hit “play” on that mess. But I just know that doing so will suddenly make me an expert at cringe fapping.