I meant to cover this yesterday, but needed more time to fully shake off the paralyzing state that La Bruja’s dark magic beauty left me in. Better late than never! The Real Housewives of Miami has turned out to be the equivalent of sucking on a margarita lime left at the bottom of a cup. I get a quick buzz or two out of it, but mostly it’s just watered down acid.
I mean, in this past episode, they devoted an entire chapter to Larissa Pippen taking her 16-year-old brother to buy a Toyota. They literally test drove a Toyota and that’s it. I kept expecting Larissa’s brother to bring the theatrics by ramming the SUV into a drag queen pushing a purple stroller filled with chihuahua puppies. Or I thought maybe the sales dude would make an extremely uncomfortable and pedoriffic joke about the stick shift. But nothing. They just test drove a stupid Toyota!
The producer was like, “Oh, yes. This is going to be RIVETING SHIT! We’ll show Pippen Boringstocking test drive a Toyota with her brother, because this is something that most of America has never experienced!” This really is REAL LIFE and I don’t want to see that shit. It’s too real.
But the margarita lime buzz came when the stunning Cuban witch who puts the EEEK in chic graced the screen. Marysol Patton and her piece ventured into a den off of Tatooine to visit with the ravishing Elsa the Hutt. Marysol must’ve warned her boyfriend to not make eye contact with Elsa, because he got out of there alive. Once you stare into the double eyes of Elsa, she’ll wrap her tongue around your neck and peel off your skin with her eyes. You’ll love ever painful minute of it, because who doesn’t want their flesh wrapped around a human cauldron of beauty?
Thanks to a few glasses of Lucifer blood (tiger blood is for pussies), La Bruja was on fire! No, I really think the hot lights sparked a flame on her face and they had to snuff it out with a fire extinguisher. Don’t worry, La Bruja didn’t notice at all.
I swear, when La Bruja raises her brows, the clouds jump. And when her face goes silent, I just want to hold her close and serenade her with a stirring rendition of “Little Egypt.”
The producers of RHOM need to stuff that stale tamale with heaping servings of LA BRUJA. Just change the name to The Real Bruja of Miami already, because she IS the show.