Hot Slut Of The Day!

The world became a frightening place of uncertainty yesterday when the news went around that Cap’n Crunch (full name: Cap’n Horatio Magellan Crunch) would walk the plank after 48 years of filling our stomachs with sugar, corn, sugar and a bunch of other things I need to take a class at the Learning Annex to learn how to pronounce. The rumor was that Michelle Obama was the one holding the vegetable sword pointed at Cap’n Crunch. Michelle’s anti-obesity campaign is putting pressure on companies to stop being so damn delicious!

So, the rumor went that Cap’n Crunch is floating in the ocean somewhere and will eventually wash up on the shore on some deserted island and try to recreate his crunch balls using coconut flesh and papaya seeds. Cap’n Crunch’s moustache would eventually curl down out of sadness. But wipe that depressing image from your eyes with sugar milk, because Cap’n Crunch is here to stay! Quaker Oats issued a statement to Ad Age saying that the Cap’n is still steering bowls of deliciousness into our mouth holes:

“Reports of Cap’n Crunch’s demise are greatly exaggerated. In fact, we just launched an official Facebook page for Cap’n Crunch. Now that our Cap’n Crunch brand is in the social-media space, our adult consumers can stay up to date on all things Cap’n Crunch.”

YES! Nobody wants to live in a world without Cap’n Crunch! And nobody wants to live in a world filled with a bunch of Cruncheads who are forced to snort Kix balls to deal with their withdrawals.