Everybody’s Worried About Boozetina Drunkuilera

March 10, 2011 / Posted by:

Radar, Star Magazine and UsWeekly all have stories out about how Xtina not only has the face of a Snooki, but she has the liver one of one too. Xtina’s friends and loved ones are concerned that she’s drowning the sorrow of her divorce with alcohol, alcohol and more alcohol. And when Xtina isn’t turning her insides into a spit bucket at a sold-out wine tasting, she’s making her leased piece shove buttered-up baguettes down her throat. Basically, Xtina dreams of whiskey bottles made out of baked dough. Me too, actually.

Star Magazine’s sources say that Xtina has added 40 pounds of chunk to her body by bingeing on every single item on a T.G.I. Friday’s menu. A “concerned” source whispered into Star’s ear, “Christina’s lost her confidence since she split from Jordan. She gets terribly sad, and that’s when all the awful memories come flooding back and she ends up numbing herself with booze and food. Everyone is worried sick. She needs to get help before something even more serious happens.”

40 pounds?! Did this concerned source ask Xtina to take off her make-up mask before stepping on the scale, because that’s 30 pounds right there easy. Moving on…

Matthew Rutler’s father has joined the “concerned source” in wailing out a woe for his son and Xtina. David Rutler cried to Radar that he doesn’t necessarily think his son has a problem, but he does say that Matthew has never been in trouble before hooking up with Snookitina. David Rutler thinks that his son only drove drunk that night, because he was looking after Xtina. David went on, “He has a perfect record, he has never been in any trouble. He is an excellent driver, I taught him to drive and sat next to him in the passenger seat as he drove to school everyday, he’s a good kid. I’m concerned for both of them. I hope everything turns out OK.”

David was so fraught with concern that he accidentally dialed the number to Radar’s offices instead of the Parenting Help Hotline for advice. Okay. But David needs to suck on a hard bronzer stick and stop trying to make it seem like Xtina is wrapping his son’s innocent in pastry dough and eating it up. Matthew has a permanent smirk on his face that will make anybody dump their drink in the trash in case he roofied it. If GHB had a face, it’d look just like Matthew’s. Bitch ain’t innocent.

And finally, UsWeekly says that even though Xtina spent a night in the drunk tank, she still hasn’t curbed her ways. A source says that Xtina and Matthew returned to the scene of the crime and got bombed like her last album. But unlike last time, Xtina and Matthew left in a chauffeured car. A source explains, “She acted as if the arrest never happened. When their server offered them dessert, they asked for more wine. When their server offered them dessert, they asked for more wine. She should see the arrest as a wake-up call, but she doesn’t. She doesn’t think things are that bad. She’s nearly fall-down wasted nearly every night.

Notice how the source uses the word “nearly” instead of saying she’s fully fall-down wasted? In my circle, that “nearly” means you’re holding it together pretty well.

You know, Xtina spent years with a bat who flosses his teeth with human veins, so she has a lot of images to block out! Maybe Xtina is just having a moment (a moment that is lasting a few years since I’m pretty sure bitch is always drunk)?

And for those of you wondering when Xtina spends time with her kid, I’ll have you know that he climbs on top of her head when she’s passed out on the bathroom floor and uses the red drool puddle below her mouth as a tiny lake for his toy boats. That counts as mother/son bonding time!

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