Warlock Charlie Delivers His Final Sheen’s Korner Rant

Charlie Sheen washed the layers of grease out of his hair with Palmolive, changed into another product placement shirt and got better lighting for what he said is his fourth and final episode of Sheen’s Korner. I just watched Charlie’s cracked out State of the Union and it felt like I hacked into someone’s World of Warcraft game. This is the kind of poetry I just don’t understand. It’s as if Shakespeare freebased opium on a tin spoon while writing Macbeth. At one point, I expected Charlie to drop to his knees and scrub at his hands while reciting the line: “Out, damn’d spot! Out, I SAY!” If the whole “making everyone’s brains say HUH?” thing doesn’t work out for Charlie, he should perform a one-crackie version of Macbeth on the subway platform. That’s his calling.

Charlie goes after the same usual troll suspects including Two and a Half Men creator Chuck Lorre and CBS head Les Moonves (or Goonves as Charlie has dubbed him). Charlie has this to say about Chuck: “Hi ya Chuck-E-Cheese ball. Where ya hiding silly clown? Behind your narcissism, your greed, your hatred of yourself or women? Which personality are you cowering beneath for transparent cover? I see you you little worm. I see you behind your plastic smile, your bitchy pout and your desperate need to be liked. Forget love, that ship sailed when you were born. To use one of your stupid and unfunny jokes. Good luck with those tin cans shit brain. and the mush mouth of some pathetic carcass you so arrogantly attempted to trade out for this warlock. Think of me often, loser, during your most quiet moments. All alone in the world, staring into the mirror, your least favorite activity. Think of me as you pray to the silly God of AA.”

See what I mean? The Queen’s English has been dipped in crazy sauce. I swear, that’s the kind of melodramatic theatrical monologue you usually only see at the Renaissance Faire. Charlie should’ve stuck roses in our cleavage and served turkey drumsticks before giving his speech.

Radar has the entire transcript if you need a riveting monologue to perform in front of your community college theater class today.

In other Chronicles of Tiger Blood news, People says that Charlie’s twin boys have no idea that their father now has the sanity of a bat’s diaper. Charlie has also called Jon Cryer a “troll and a turncoat” and admits to Life & Style that he’s losing his mind. Yes, LOST! Even though Charlie’s mind is already plastered on a milk carton and an amber alert has been issued, let’s just let him believe that.

And can we go back to talking about cow farts instead?