Reading the ingredients on a bottle of Wite-Out is more exciting than this piece of non-news, but let’s do this anyway. Hollywood Life says Miley Cyrus and Jared Followill of Kings of Leon have been texting each other ever since they met at the EMAs last November. Miley is trying to keep Jared interested by not becoming a full blown barebacking sext slut just yet. And Jared keeps texting Miley back, because he’s hoping to fulfill his fantasy of bumping on a creature who talks dirty to him in an itchy scratch voice. Yes, Jared is the one who gets the Freddy Krueger soundboard to say: “Eat this pussy, bitch.”
A friend of Jared’s tells HL, “Miley wants to keep Jared interested. She often sends him coy text messages. So far, he is a big fan of what she has been sending. He’s such a fan, in fact, he’s been bragging to his friends about her texts! “Jared loves showing off his texts from Miley. He thinks she’s very pretty and is excited she’s still flirting with him.”
We can all smell the duck saliva from here, so they should just fast-forward to the inevitable already. Miley will eventually send him a picture of her flashing undertit while making a duckface. Jared will then leak it to The National Enquirer for a little extra pomade money, and they’ll publish it with the text: “MILEY REALLY CAN’T BE TAMED.” On Walter Mercado’s birthday, we’re all future tellers.
And now for my “GET OFF MY LAWN” moment. All these stories about hos spending hours texting each other got me thinking about the old days. I remember when we didn’t have the luxury of texting at our leisure for hours on end. We had to work for our conversations. Kids today just don’t know how hard we had it. I nearly burned my ear off from talking for hours about nothing to my friend while my sister screamed at me for the phone and my mom used the operator to interrupt my call. Oh shit, remember the classic emergency operator interruption? You knew your ass was in trouble when your mom pulled that shit.
I wish I remember the last emergency interruption my mom made so that I could put it in my memory box. I’d put it right next to the memory of me calling my mom collect from a payphone and telling the operator that my name was “Michael Sears.” That way my mom knew to pick me up in front of the Sears at the mall.
The spoiled brats of today need to know that if it wasn’t for us wasting the operator’s time with our stupid tricks, cell phones and call waiting would never exist!