Cue The Pacifier Outrage!

March 7, 2011 / Posted by:

When I was in the third grade, my dentist kindly took my mother aside and told her that if I didn’t stop sucking my thumb like its pores secreted Pixy Stix sugar, my mouth would look like a weathered piece of wood with rusty crooked nails stuck in it. Like a horse who just sucked off a chainsaw. Just all kinds of fucked up. And I had it bad too. I used to sneak in a quick thumb suck under my desk when nobody was looking and ask to go to the bathroom so I could suck some more (insert your “some things STILL never change” joke here). But I agreed to work on my thumb sucking addiction when my mother told me that it would affect my future social life and I’d have to use a map to brush my teeth. They give me a golf glove to wear and I was cured a week later! So because of this, I feel like I can’t fully judge Suri Cruise for still using a pacifier at the age of 4.

Who cares if she’s dressed like Charlotte from Sex and the City and has a binky in her mouth?! Who cares if she probably replaces that pacifier with a bottle when she gets home?! Who cares if she’s going to have summer teeth (summer pointing to the side, summer pointing down…)?! Who cares if she’s going to be that girl in high school with 8 inch stilettos on her feet and a diamond encrusted Cartier pacifier in her mouth?!

Stepford Katie doesn’t give a Tommy Girl jizz dingle so why should we? Although, she probably doesn’t notice since the words “WHY ME!?” that constantly flash in her eyes block most of her view.

That being said, Suri needs to design her outfits around that pacifier. Suri should get some wide leg JNCO jeans, a Cookie Monster t-shirt, candy bead necklaces and some Muppet fur platform boots. RAVER SURI!

Here’s more of Raver Suri with her two assistants (including Katie) in Vancouver yesterday afternoon.

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