If you’re a teenage blonde porn star who isn’t allergic to cats, can’t pronounce the word “losing” and have the tolerance of a methadone clinic worker when it comes to crazed rants, Charlie Sheen has just the position for you! The “es” from “goddesses” has quit this bitch now that Bree Olson (government name: Rachel Marie Oberlin) has become a refuge goddess by fleeing from Charlie’s octagon for saner pastures. Charlie didn’t give say what was on Bree’s resignation letter, but I’m guessing she realized that being a crack whore is a lot more fun than being a member of the warlock harem. I mean, a bitch can only take so much “winning” before she starts to lose.it. Duh buh bye.
Charlie’s mission to win the world with his non-existent superhero powers will continue on without Goddess Bree! Charlie tells Access Hollywood that he’s going to join forces with Sean Penn and bring his aftershock of crack damaged fuckery to Haiti very soon. Charlie said, “We’re going to do a couple things first and then it looks like we’re heading down [to Haiti]. I’m excited as hell because, you know, if I can bring the attention of the world down there, then clearly this tsunami keeps cresting!”
Instead of echoing the voices of the Haitian people by screaming, “NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”, Sean Penn tells UsWeekly that there’s a seat on his tugboat with Charlie’s name on it (technically, one of Sean’s workers carved “fucknut” into the seat during a break, but it works)! Sean fully embraces Charlie into his group of saviors, “I think his energies, intelligence and passion could be both of service and servicing to him, as it is to all who are touched by the struggle of the Haitian people. Charlie is one of the very few public people who cannot be accused of using the media to his own benefit. I would very much like to show my old friend the world of needs on the ground in Haiti, and introduce him and his tremendous wit to our hard working Haitian staff. If he chooses to give support, I’ll trust it.”
What Sean really means by that is that Charlie’s goddess can smuggle in enough bad shit for all of them in her chocha.
You know, at first I was like, “They’ve been through eeeeeenooooough!!!!!” And then I thought about it for a second and was like, “No really, they’ve been through eeeeeenough!!!” But this is never going to happen. Haiti has a strict law that all creatures with feline blood in their veins must be quarantined for at least 6 months (give or take, a few decades) before being allowed to the country. And the Charlie Sheen drug is strictly prohibited. So Charlie can unpack his mercury surfboard’s trunk full of cigarettes, because he’s not going.
Wait, unless Charlie meant HADES instead of Haiti? If that’s the case, forget everything I said and carry on.
UPDATE: Well, that lasted about as long as a hit of crack (hmmm). Rip up your application, because Bree Olson is a goddess again.