You really should tell your boss to pay you time-and-a-half for today, because it’s turning out to be an accidental holiday. Orit Fux already put the HO in holiday by giving us “Garden of Eden” glamour and now former Hot Slut of the Week Johanna Tukiainen is really putting the frosting flowers on the cake by posing like the delicate glazed cloudberry that she is in her wedding photos. If you don’t know who Johanna is, then the only thing you need to know is that she’s the official flower of Finland and the sole reason why the country is the biggest importer of fake tanner and Wet ‘N Wild frosted pink lipstick.
The daughter of Anna Nicole Smith and a Teletubby married some old dude in a fairytale wedding held in an ice castle on Saturday afternoon. The 150 degree fumes wafting off of Johanna’s skin (smells like burnt pumpkin seeds, old maple honey stain and sweat from an Oompa Loompa’s ass) almost caused the ice kingdom to melt into a pool of sadness, but otherwise the ceremony was as beautiful as a wedding between an overcooked sweet potato and Mr. Burns’ black sheep brother could be.
Oh, well there was one more issue at the beginning of the day. A black swan (they’re everywhere because of that damn movie) grew jealous of Joanna’s beauty and tried to peck her eyes out. But once it got an up-close viewing of her gorgeous face, it surrendered itself and gave up its feathers to further her beauty cause. Johanna wears her haters on her eyelids oh so well.
The article about Finland’s wedding of the year from iltalehti.fi is completely in Finnish (“DUH” – Charlie Sheen), but thankfully Google Translate exists. Google Translate has taken an article I don’t understand and turned it into another article I don’t understand
Johanna Tukiainen dream princess wedding took place on Saturday Saariselkä. Morsian oli varautunut kylmään jääkirkkoon muhkealla turkisviitalla, jonka alta pilkisti näyttävä valkoinen hääpuku pinkein koristein. The bride had prepared a magnificent cold jääkirkkoon turkisviitalla a peep over the showy white wedding gown with pink trim.
Tukiaisen perhe oli saapunut paikalle Tukholmasta. Tukiainen family had arrived from Stockholm. Vain Julia-sisko joutui jättämään häät väliin. Only Julia’s sister had to leave the wedding in between.
Tuore hääpari suunnittelee yhteenmuuttoa. Fresh young couple plans to move together. Virallisesti Arto Länsman asuu edelleen Ivalossa ja Johanna Tukiainen Helsingissä. Officially, Arto Länsman still lives in Ivalo and Johanna Tukiainen, Helsinki, Finland.
Uh huh. Let me translate it into one word: PERFECTION!!!!
Click here to see a gallery of images from this magical day. I’ve left a few below for you to sunbathe under. The last one really is something special and I really hope the Finnish government puts it on their currency. It looks like Johanna’s new husband went blind from staring directly into the pink sun on her mouth.