Snooki Wants To Be The Next Jessica Simpson

Sitting on a rocket that should be launched into the black hole (or Ronnie’s asshole), La Pequena Xtina opens up her pickle wrangler and pushes out a Jacuzzi jet’s worst nightmare on the cover of Rolling Stone. We can all raise our pitch forks at Rolling Stone, but we are as much to blame for this as they are. We all watched that first preview of the first season of Jersey Shore. We all watched every episode of the first and second seasons. We all had something to say about this shaved wolf woman and typed it in detail on the Internet. We created her! So all of us should throw ourselves on that rocket heading towards the black hole too. (Huddle time: Just as the rocket is about to launch, we’ll all accidentally fall back onto the ground. Don’t tell Snooki.)

In the new issue of Rolling Stone, the kidney stone Xtina admits that she gets embarrassed when she watches herself on Jersey Shore and knows that she mostly looks like a log of poop out of a Vitamin A addict’s ass.

“If I do something stupid, which is pretty much the whole time, I hate it. I just hate it. Obviously, they’re only going to put the good stuff in, and the good stuff is us drunk, so all I’m seeing is me drunk and falling down. That’s how I am when I party, but some of the stuff I do is, like, ‘Really, Nicole?’ I look like a freakin’ alcoholic. I’m like, ‘You’re sweating, your makeup is running, you look gross.’ I just look like shit.”

Before Jersey Shore, Snooki wanted to be a veterinary assistant, but she says she can never go back to that life now that she’s America’s sweetheart.

“When Jersey Shore ends I’m going to do more spinoffs. If MTV doesn’t want them, another network will be, like, ‘What does Snooki do now?’ or ‘Snooki’s getting married!’ What I’d like is to turn out like Jessica Simpson, with her whole brand. She makes millions…I’m trying to build an empire, because after this I can’t get a normal job. I mean, how do I go and sit behind a desk?”

The good news is that if Jessica Simpson looks down into the crevices in the bottom of the barrel, she’ll actually see someone looking up at her! Good for Jess! The other good news is that the chances of Snooki building an empire are about as slim as me growing an extra b-hole (I’ve tried). They say Rome was built in a day, right? Well, it takes Snooki more than a day to spell Rome.

Snooki also tells the MTV of music magazines that shooting a reality show is just like prison!

“It messes with your head. That’s why we go crazy. That’s why we fight with each other. That’s why we drink. We’re living in a house for two months with that shit. We can’t have cellphones, TV, radio or the Internet. If the president died, we’d have no idea. There’s no normalcy. It’s just like prison, with cameras.”

If Jersey Shore is a prison and Snooki is an inmate, why the fuck do all of us feel like we’re the ones being punished?!

Speaking of getting punished, since we’re already in that place, here’s a video of Snooki abusing pickles.

That sound you just heard was the Vlasic pickle stork flying directly into a plane’s motor.