Katie Holmes Is Suing Over This

March 1, 2011 / Posted by:

On this old Star Magazine cover of Stepford Katie looking like she just got a glimpse Tommy Girl’s volcano-shaped butt plug in the dishwasher before breakfast, they declare that she’s a junked out drug addict who is injecting barley stew between her toes. Well, actually they don’t really say any of that. The inside story speculates that Katie might be getting higher than John Travolta’s in-the-air ass during an orgy from Scientology audits. One source says they got addicted to auditing and it made them feel like a heroin addict. So Star never comes out and says that Katie is an audithead, they only speculate it. It’s sort of like the time I bit into a Twinkie only to find that it had no cream in it. The factory fucked up. It’s a true story that still affects me whenever I’m about to put my teeth on one of Hostess’ peen cakes.

Katie filed a $50 million lawsuit today against American Media, the company that owns Star, for defaming her good name and alleging on their cover that she has a substance abuse problem. Katie’s lawyer issued this statement to Reuters:

“Star Magazine’s malicious claims about Katie are untrue, unethical and unlawful. Not only do they cruelly defame Katie, they play a cheap trick on the public, making ridiculously false claims on the cover unsupported by anything inside.

Someone should bring a class action to get all buyers their money back.”

Katie’s lawyer said that Star refused to take their story back and apologize. American Media on the other hand, says they are ready for a fight and can’t wait to hear what Katie has to say in court about Scientology audits.

As we all raise our fists and scream, “US TOO!” Seriously, I hope they sell tickets to that trial and hand out bags of popped barley in the lobby. But we all know it’s not going to come to that. Let’s not be glib. Tommy Girl will leak Star a picture of John Travolta without his crotch merkin on in exchange for a settlement and a “we’re so sorry” blurb that will be published on the back page with the crossword puzzle.

And the only drug Katie Holmes is on is a drug called Tommy Girl (copyright: Warlock Tiger Blood).

Here’s a few pictures of Katie and Suri doing stuff in Vancouver yesterday. I’m temporarily ignoring those UGGS because I’m more traumatized by Suri’s “I wish you into the volcano” stare.

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