Brooke Mueller Isn’t Part of Team WINNING Anymore

Here’s Charlie Sheen in the picture he posted for his third Tweet on his brand new verified Twitter account. Yes, Charlie wants to spread his maniacal warlock sermons of crazy on all mediums, so of course he’s burning the Twitter Bird’s b-hole with his fire breathing fists. But one ho who is no longer going to feel the heat from Charlie’s fists (…that…image…I…know) is his ex-wife Brooke Mueller.

It was just a hot second ago when Brooke was on a private plane to the Bahamas with Charlie, but today she took out a restraining order against him. Brooke has jumped over the wall of the octagon and has taken her stolen shrimp fork elsewhere. TMZ says that Brooke claims Charlie made several threats against her and she’s afraid he’s going to relive the magic and love of Christmas by pulling a knife on her throat. Charlie must now direct his mercury surfboard to stay at least 100 yards away from Brooke. When asked about the restraining order, Duh McWinning shrugged and said, “Great. I was already planning on staying 100 parsecs away from her.”

Radar is also reporting that Charlie is trying to get full custody of their twin boys, because he doesn’t think Brooke is fit enough to care for their kids. At this point those kids would be better off being raised by actual trolls with alley cat blood whose fists breath cigarette ash and who only know how to say the word “LOSING!”

From Charlie peering over that mess of a craft project poster like a cracked out Wilson to the news that he wants full custody of his boys, I just can’t process anymore. So I’m just going to slowly back away from this for the day and go and use a free porn site password someone gave me. Free porn site password that works = WINNING!

(And thanks to everybody who sent me the Charlie Sheen quote generator. It’s not the same if it doesn’t come out of the mouth of a shaky turtle warlock)