If you’ve got a recording device, Charlie Sheen’s got the time. The long-lost crack child of Tony the Tiger and Julian Sands has been putting his crack-scratched vocal cords to work by giving interviews to Today (airing all week), Good Morning America (see previous) and 20/20 (airing Friday). Last night, Charlie sat down across from the British shell that covers Larry King’s carcass. When Piers Morgan wasn’t chupa-ing on Carlos’ warlock anus, he was asking the usual questions (click here for the full interview). But thankfully, Charlie didn’t give the usual answers.
How CBS hasn’t re-titled Two and a Half Men to Two and a Half Crack Baggies and named Charlie Sheen as their head writer is beyond me. The magic beans that pour out of Charlie’s mouth hole make you want to laugh, cry and punch yourself in the brain at the same time. Here’s a few quotes from last night’s talk with Piers. It’s times like this that I miss Larry King (the original warlock), because Charlie would’ve spent the entire hour trying to seduce him over to the octagon with his Firestarter fists and shit.
And I’m presenting these quotes without context, because it’s probably easier to understand that way:
“I have not. No, no. Women are not meant to be hit. They’re to be hugged and caressed.”
“There was an incident years ago where everyone thought I hit her. I was trying to contain her. I had her arms and we both went down to the ground. Her initials are B.A., I’ll give you that much. I don’t want to make the whole thing about her. I felt terrible and delivered her to a plastic surgeon and everybody said I hit her and no…. I feel bad about that one. She was attacking me, though, with, like a, a small fork. Like a cocktail fork. And she had it with her, that was the weird part. What was she doing with, like, a shrimp fork in her purse? She stole it, clearly. From a buffet.”
“It’s been a tsunami of media and I’ve been riding it on a mercury surfboard.”
“The reason it went bad is because I don’t do pills. I don’t take opiates, I don’t do benzos or any of that psychotropic nonsense. I used to [take cocaine]. I’ve gotta be careful because that’s like lawsuits and things that went on. Well, yeah. I’m not taking it. I had to pay for it. Well, um, I hadn’t done any for a while, like 7 hours, but I had this hernia thing that was popping out.”
“I won’t take [pain pills], so I maybe hit the vodka a little too hard to reduce the pain.”
“That was an old brain, I have a new brain. I have a 10,000-year-old brain and the boogers of a 7-year-old. That’s how I describe myself.”
“And then it was like, ‘You must let me impose my will on your face.’ And it was like, woah dude.”
“I was joking about being underpaid but to come back for a 10th season… Eh, that’s all negotiable. You can’t talk about this stuff on television. I don’t know. I was on crack. Where’s Dr. Drew when you need him?”
How fucking damn irresponsible of Gnarly Sheen! How dare he?! The surgeon general has already warned us that Charlie’s boogers are considered an illegal substance and a stimulant not unlike meth. Great. Lock down the grade schools before Parasite Hilton starts snorting on the nostrils of second graders. If 50% of 7-year-olds contract HVP warts in their nasal cavities, it’s all Charlie’s fault!
And here’s a clip of Charlie and his goddesses:
I knew Bree Olson was THAT KIND! You know, that kind of shifty ho who always keeps her bomber jacket on indoors. They’re always ready to steal your shrimp forks and run out of there. You can’t trust a bitch who refuses to take off her bomber jacket. Although, if I was one of Charlie’s goddesses, I’d keep my bomber jacket on too….even during hugging and caressing sessions.
By the way, I think we finally found a face that is too meth-ey for the Faces of Meth poster.