This Is What Winning Looks Like

February 28, 2011 / Posted by:

Charlie Sheen took his rambling radio tour of crazy crackery to TV this morning with interviews on both Good Morning America and Today, and looooooooooord. Either this is Casey Affleck’s sequel to “I’m Still Here” or Charlie has jumped off the rails and snorted ’em up. I’m putting all my tokens on the latter, because Charlie barely even blinks. It’s like the crack smoke is holding his eyelids up. Even his plugs are trying to quit his ass. Their idea of a well-balanced meal is not fingernail dirt, bong sludge and coke-infused venom. That malnourished dumpster cat on Charlie’s head is in dire need of an IV bag full of vitamins.

Charlie has pretty much aged 20 years in the past couple of months and now has the face of a (don’t click) turtle’s parched asshole. And yup, a turtle’s parched asshole is definitely the face of winning.

While playing with a red wire from an F-18 bomb, Charlie rattled about how he’s going to sue CBS and Chuck Lorre for breach of contact. Charlie suggests that they should settle and allow Two and a Half Men to go on. But even though Charlie looks like he’d work for the remnants of an 8-ball found in the gutter and a couple of expired Camel dollars, he says he wants $3 million per episode plus a $20 million signing bonus. We’re really going to need a bigger CODE 5150 for Charlie.

Here’s a few quotes from Charlie’s crazy GMA interview. It looks like 2011’s Dead Pool just got a new favorite:

On the bad shit he’s on: “I am on a drug. It’s called CHARLIE SHEEN! Um, it’s not available, because if you try it once you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body. Um. Too much.”

On if he’s going to sue CBS and Chuck Lorre: “Wouldn’t you? I don’t have a job. I’ve got a whole family to support and love. People a lot more important than me are relying on that money to fuel the magic.”

On people saying he’s an anti-Semite and why he calls Chuck Lorre “Chaim Levine”: “People that know me… There’s nothing about that in my history, anywhere. I would say, um, you know I’m sorry if I offended you. I didn’t know you were so sensitive. I just thought that after you wailing on me for 8 years that I could take a few shots back. I didn’t know you were going to take your little ball and go home and punish everybody in the process.”

On if he’s willing to take a drug test: “Sure, you’ve got a cup? I’ve got nothing to hide.”

On how he cured himself of crack addiction: “I’ve closed my eyes and made it so…with the power of my mind. I had to unload 22 years of fiction and just decided that I don’t need that anymore. I know my own truth. The fiction of AA. It’s a silly book written by a broken down fool who was a plagiarist. They think it’s one size fits all and it didn’t fit me. I got tired of it.”

On if he filled with insides with booze and crack because of boredom: “No, I did that because they work. They change the way you see things. Change the way you feel. And yeah, when you’re a little bit bored with redundancy of certain aspects of your life.. Yeah, I think that’s why people do them.”

On if he thinks his children will be embarrassed by his behavior when they grow up: “God no. Talk about an education. I mean, this and then that’s the guy and he’s our dad and we can get all the answers and the truth. WOW. Wiiiiiining! That’s how you perceive it. “

And during his interview with Today (click here to see that mess), Carlos had a few questions for Chuck Lorre:

1. Chuck, why is it that when I was ready to return to work, you told me there were no scripts ready to shoot. What would we have shot if you did not order the suits into my home to shut down the party?

2. Why is it that you issued a decree informing me that the remaining 8 shows of season 8 had been reduced down to 4? I don’t recall getting a vote on this by the way. Stating as well that season 8, our highest rated season to date (most shows are in decline by then and heading towards Will & Grace-ville), was suddenly to halt production two weeks earlier than scheduled? You’re the only man that can answer this.

3. When you were told that the crew would suffer gravely as a result of your dictatorial laziness, would you please explain what you meant by your statement: “They are not my problem.” I’m sure there’s like 120 some odd people who would love to hear the answer to that.

Yup, Charlie is still fucking his perma-soft dick with a fleshlight made of delusions. The Surgeon General should put that on the warning label for the Charlie Sheen drug.

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