I’ve been saving this one up just for Oscar Sunday, because it’s the absolute perfect day to worship at the Reebok high-top ERS of the seven gutter goddesses who truly gave the performances of the YEAR! It’s the glamorous chorus of the bewitching Eklund sisters from The Fighter who weave their spells with a spray from an aerosol can and chant the demise of the MTV skank while stirring a pot of egg noodles and Sloppy Joe’s. Let’s pay our respects:
Cindy “Tar” Eklund played by Erica McDermott
Little Alice Eklund played by Melissa McMeekin
Cathy “Porky” Eklund played by Bianca Hunter
Phyllis “Beaver” Eklund played by Kate O’Brien (Conan’s sister!)
Donna Eklund James played by Jill Quigg (who comes complete with a ravishing mug shot portrait)
Gail “Red Dog” Eklund played by Dendrie Taylor
Sherri Ward played by Jenna Lamia
When Snow White won an Oscar back in the olden days, Shirley Temple presented Walt Disney with 7 mini statutes. James Franco better push 7 more of those out of his sparkling anus tonight for the Eklund Sisters! They did things with a pair of denim diapers and a knock-off Coach purse that Natalie Portman couldn’t do with every single muscle in her body! Fuck Marky Mark and fuck Christian Bale! That shit should’ve been called THE HOTNESS and it should’ve followed the 7 Ward beauties around as they smoke cigarettes on a rent-to-own sofa and get their asses beat by the chick from Enchanted!
After The Fighter came out and everyone became hypnotized by the check cashing place beauty of the Eklund Sisters, the L.A. times did a profile on all 7 of them. Some of them are Boston natives who still live around those parts and some were shipped in from L.A. But one thing they do have in common, is that all of them possess a beauty that only blooms in the back of an Astro van parked in the alley way of Off Track Betting.
When you watch the 127 hour long marathon that is the Oscars tonight, one thought should pop up every time a gold man dildo is given out: the Eklund Sisters were robbed!