As we all sing “The Bluest Eyes in Texas” next to Becky #1 from Roseanne in a dive bar in Nebraska, the freshly shorn golden locks of intertwined dreams from Justin Bieber have been gently placed in a white leather nap sack strapped to a Pegasus and sent up to heaven where the angels will make it into a weave for Jesus (yeah, hair plugs ain’t shit for him either). Yes, TMZ brings us the news that Justin Bieber took a pair of scissors to his hair and cut the Hamill out of his head today. Pieces of Justin’s follicles will be auctioned off for charity. I know what you’ll be doing tonight. Scalping your Ken dolls and selling it on eBay as 100% genuine Bieber hair. Make sure you dip it in holy water (vodka with a splash of bunny saliva will do) before you send it.
And thousands of young lesbians with golden bowl cuts have just let out a breath of relief.