Millions of Beliebers called in sad to pre-preschool this morning after their personal pan JESUS was shot up and killed on CSI last night. Somebody please try to get them off the ledge of their cribs by offering them an extra dessert with their Lunchables. They don’t understand how this happened. They were taught in bible school that Justin Bieber is an immortal holy spirit that was created when a lesbian cherub farted at the same time Jesus burped. They didn’t know Justin bleeds actually blood instead of stuffed animal stuffing. We’re all screaming WHY WHY WHY????? (But for totally different reasons).
In times like this, the Beliebers need to recite a scripture by their messiah. Biebercus 13:12: Everything happens for a reason. Even Cabbage Patch doll murder.