Elsa Carreras Patton, the 76-year-old gorgeous witch who cast a black magic cloud around my heart during the preview for The Real Housewives of Miami, is already bringing us off-camera fuckery and that shit hasn’t even started yet. The bewitching bruja is the mother of regular cast member Marysol Patton (on the right) and Radar discovered that both of them were arrested for DUI last year. I’m going to need to sniff on that Breathalyzer tube for evidence, because I’m pretty sure Elsa stared at herself in the rearview mirror and got drunk on her own beauty.
Marysol was busted last January for DUI and she later pleaded guilty to a lesser charge of reckless driving. Marysol had to dig a few hundred coins out of her Botox jar to pay $1,581 for a fine and court fees. Marysol’s stunning mother was arrested a few months later for DUI and driving without a valid license. Elsa filled her solid gold cauldron with locks of hair from the arresting officers and stirred it until they dismissed her case. Okay, the truth is the officer failed to show up to court, but we all know the reason why. Elsa threatened to eat his nightmares from the inside/out if he messed with her. You never tussle with a witch whose nostrils have felt the tongue of a death eater.
None of this really matters since the show hasn’t even premiered yet, but I felt the need to share this glorious mug shot with all of you. If Mickey Rourke makes your taint sweat and Jocelyn Wildenstein makes your nipples drip, then it’s going to be a long night for you since Elsa looks like if the latter face smashed with the former.