The Secret To Aretha Franklin’s Weight Loss

When a vision in ethereal pink magically appeared on the Grammys Sunday night, it took me a few blinks to realize it was actually Aretha Franklin and not a hologram visiting us from her Freeway of Love days. Aretha is now as skinny as one of her old chichi nipples. Aretha continues to deny the pancreatic cancer rumors and tells the Associated Press that the chunk melted off her body the old fashioned way: from diet and exercise. Aretha is no longer catching pigs and chewing their feet off with her bare teeth. Aretha is now getting all her nourishment from Whole Foods.

Wilbur, Tiny and Babe can crawl out of their hiding places, because Aretha says that she has sworn off chitterlings, pig’s feet and ham hocks. Aretha puts it like this: “They’re off my diet. They just really don’t fit with Whole Foods. I had it for enough years that I don’t miss it. You can’t continue to eat things that are not good for you. When you come off (a high-energy concert), a carrot or some celery just isn’t going to work. “I’ve gotta do a fresh fruit thing … and come up with some tasty and satisfying recipes that are going to work for me after concerts.”

Aretha will triumphantly return to her throne on the stage this May at a concert in Buffalo, NY.

I see you thinking you’re a member of the Bionic Six by using your x-ray eyes to look at the girdle band around Aretha’s stomach organ. It’s not there! If Aretha says she lost an Olsen from nibbling on organic grains and celery leaves, then I believe her (or do I?)! And I’m happier than John Travolta with a hairy ass in front of him that Aretha has her health back, but is she really off ham hocks for good good?! Damn. I guess we’ll have to abort our plan of pushing Kim Kardashian in front of Aretha.