Hot Slut Of The Day!

Elliott Timmons, the LifeStyles Condom Cupid who yesterday put New Yorkers in the mood for love by flaunting his red wings (and no, I don’t want to know how he earned those), fluffy chest balls and hard nips while handing out peen gloves for Valentine’s Day! The LifeStyles Condom Fairy was busy making bedroom calls, I guess, so he sent out his second cousin twice removed to flutter through the subway and streets to shoot condom arrows at suspecting and unsuspecting hos.

Gothamist says that the Condom Cupid handed out nearly 300 condoms in 3 hours. This must be a typo, because who doesn’t think of hot lube-y rubber sex when staring at the Condom Cupid struttin’ his fupa down the street? And where does LifeStyles buy uniforms for the Condom Cupid and Condom Fairy, because they dress exactly like my weekend weed man.

I hope all of you had a memorable VD that left your parts smelling like cum yogurt, pina colada lube, dried drops of Andre champagne and charred pubes (strangely enough, that’s probably what the Condom Cupid smells like). Or at least I hope you woke up with Russell Stover skid marks on your mouth and the cunt look you threw at stupid bitches buying flowers at the deli still firmly pressed on your face (strangely enough, that’s probably what the Condom Cupid looks like this morning).