Billy Ray Cyrus wishes Mickey Mouse never butt birthed Hannah Montana. Billy Ray Cyrus knows that his parenting report card has a giant F in red on it. Billy Ray Cyrus doesn’t put out his hands and collect an allowance check from Miley Cyrus every Friday afternoon. Billy Ray Cyrus feels a spiritual connection to the late Kurt Cobain and says that he was the only one who showed some support while the rest of the music industry laughed at that Achy Breaky Heart crap. Billy Ray Cyrus has a bomb shelter in his backyard. Billy Ray Cyrus could see the Michael Jackson and Anna Nicole Smith tragedies coming a mile away and tried to contact both of them to help. Billy Ray Cyrus is dilapidated feed bag full of crazy. That’s just some of the shit that’s covered in GQ’s 6-page interview with Billy Ray Cyrus. Yes, I read the whole thing. Yes, it made me wish I was listening to Achy Break Heart at full volume instead.
GQ’s piece portrays Billy Ray as a lonely and sad-like hillbilly who sits on the front porch of his Tennessee mansion petting at his pet possums head while deep thinking about how fame and fortune was the rusty nail shoved deep into the heart of his family. Billy Ray regrets ever letting his truck stop toddler daughter Miley do Hannah Montana (“DON’T WE ALL?!” – humanity).
Here’s the Cliffs Notes version of the forever long southern WOE IS ME howl that Billy let out to GQ. This is like some “hillbilly Grey Gardens” shit:
On Miley’s name: “My intuition has told me that that little girl, her name should be Destiny Hope Cyrus, because I feel like it’s her destiny to bring hope to the world.'”
On how he’s not on Miley’s payroll: “For the record, to set it straight, I want to tell you: I’ve never made a dime off of Miley. You got a lot of people have made percentages off of her. I’m proud to say to this day I’ve never made one commissioned dollar, or dime, off of my daughter.”
On how “he’ll take it” for Miley: “Every time something happened in Miley’s career, every time the train went off the track, if you will—Vanity Fair,2 pole-dancing,3 whatever scandal it was—her people, or as they say in today’s news, her handlers, every time they’d put me… ‘Somebody’s shooting at Miley! Put the old man up there!’ Well, I took it, because I’m her daddy, and that’s what daddies do. ‘Okay, nail me to the cross, I’ll take it….’ All those people around, they used me every time. It became so obvious that, man, no matter what happens, they’re going to put you up there and let you take the bullet.”
On why he didn’t go to her 18th barfday party: “You know why I didn’t go? Because they were having it in a bar. It was wrong. It was for 21 years old and up. Once again all them people, they all wanted me to fly out so that then when all the bad press came they could say, ‘Daddy endorsed this stuff….’ I started realizing I’m being used. If I would have went out there I would have been right in the middle of all this stuff that’s going on right now with the bong. They’d be hanging it on my ass. I had the common sense… I said, ‘This whole thing’s falling apart up there and they just want to blame all of this stuff on you again.’ I’m staying out of it.”
On how Miley’s handlers told him to stay out of the bong video mini-scandal: “I didn’t know what the footage was. They told me, ‘it was none of my business.’ I’m dealing with somebody that had only known my daughter for possibly four years, and I’m her daddy. I was pretty damn insulted. And I took that as the ultimate alarm. ‘It’s none of your business’! None of my business that you’re out running around L.A. trying to buy kids’ computers and phones because there’s something about my daughter…?”
On how he now believes his parenting skills suck: “The business was driving a wedge between us. How many interviews did I give and say, ‘You know what’s important between me and Miley is I try to be a friend to my kids’? I said it a lot. And sometimes I would even read other parents might say, ‘You don’t need to be a friend, you need to be a parent.’ Well, I’m the first guy to say to them right now: You were right. I should have been a better parent. I should have said, ‘Enough is enough—it’s getting dangerous and somebody’s going to get hurt.’ I should have, but I didn’t. Honestly, I didn’t know the ball was out of bounds until it was way up in the stands somewhere.”
On how he thinks Miley is starting to sashay down the “Lindsay Lohan” part of the ho stroll: “I’m scared for her. She’s got a lot of people around her that’s putting her in a great deal of danger. I know she’s 18, but I still feel like as her daddy I’d like to try to help. Take care of her just a little bit, to at least get her out of danger. I want to get her sheltered from the storm. Stop the insanity just for a minute.
On why his entire family got baptized when they moved to Hollywood: “It was Tish’s idea. She said, ‘We’re going to be under attack, and we have to be strong in our faith and we’re all going to be baptized…’ And there, driving to work each day in the City of Angels, was this sign. A physical sign. It could have easily said ‘You will now be attacked by Satan.’ ‘Entering this industry, you are now on the highway to darkness…’ It’s the way it is. There has always been a battle between good and evil. Always will be. You think, ‘This is a chance to make family entertainment, bring families together…’ and look what it’s turned into.”
On Hannah Montana: “Oh, it’s huge—it destroyed my family. I’ll tell you right now—the damn show destroyed my family. And I sit there and go, ‘Yeah, you know what? Some gave all.’ It is my motto, and guess what? I have to eat that one. I some-gave-all’d it all right. I some-gave-all’d it while everybody else was going to the bank. It’s all sad.”
On if he regrets Hannah Montana: “I hate to say it, but yes, I do. Yeah. I’d take it back in a second. For my family to be here and just be everybody okay, safe and sound and happy and normal, would have been fantastic. Heck, yeah. I’d erase it all in a second if I could.”
Maybe I’m as naive as the pet possum who doesn’t think Billy Ray is going to cut its froat and throw it on the barbecue for Tuesday night dinner, but I believe he knows and regrets turning his daughter out for fame and cash. Now if he’ll only publicly voice his regrets for that dusty fucking mullet on his head.
And that being said, I’m still slightly more interested in what’s in that Taco Party Pack on the counter.