Charlie Sheen is an impressively crazy asshole and I wouldn’t let him babysit my toilet let alone a thing that breathes in oxygen, but the thing is, he’s pretty damn honest. Unlike a certain coke-laced Dorito with the initials LINDSAY LOHAN, Charlie doesn’t make excuses for his screwed up behavior and won’t disagree with you when you tell him that his daughters will probably become the poster girls for “daddy issues” thanks to his antics. Take his interview today with the Dan Patrick show for instance. Charlie says that he smokes crack, eats bottles of booze whole and watches porn until his dick falls off because he’s bored. And because when he’s sober, he doesn’t feel like he’s being true to his true drunk crackhead self.
Dear crack dealers of L.A., pat yourself on your “I did good” place, because you’re Charlie’s life coaches. You’re helping him find his real self by selling him briefcases full of the bad shit. Oprah should give you all a show.
Here’s bits of the foolery that poured out of Charlie’s mouth hole this morning. I can almost picture him talking on his cell phone in the ATM vestibule of a Chase while his eyes dart everywhere like a trapped bird and his hand shakes like Xtina’s vocal cords. You know, because all crackheads have their best conversations in an ATM vestibule.
Charlie on how he showed up to the set of Two and a Half Men, but they told him to take his crack-infused hernia home: “They said, ‘You get ready and we’ll get ready.’ And I got ready and went back and nobody’s there. I don’t know what to tell you … I’m here and I’m ready. They’re not. Bring it, you know?”
Charlie on how the network kept pointing at the “moral clause” in his contract: “Nit pick, nit pick, but I don’t think [the clause] covers, ‘Let us totally dominate and interfere with your personal life.’ I have a contract. They said, ‘Get your act together,’ and I did.”
Charlie on how some people are shouting a giant “AS IF” at his sudden recovery: “I heal really quickly, but I also unravel pretty quickly. So get me right now, guys. Get me right now!”
Charlie on why he smokes crack: “Boredom. Wanting to make things better – whether it’s real or imagined. I was sober for five years a long time ago and was just bored out of my tree.”
Charlie on how his pee is clean now, but he still doesn’t feel at home being sober: “It’s inauthentic –it’s not who I am.”
Charlie on his advice to those who want to smoke crack: ” Avoid crack, unless you can manage it socially.”
That last line should really be taught in schools. What I think Charlie means by that is, smoke crack if you can do it without annoying the shit out of those around you. And all the crackies I’ve come in contact with have proven that this is an impossible task.