As If Anybody Else Could Be Prince William’s Best Man

February 14, 2011 / Posted by:

On the balcony of Buckingham Palace this morning, a herald screamed out “HEAR YE! HEAR YE!” before proclaiming that Prince William has chosen his brother Prince Hot Ginge as his best man and Kate Middleton has chosen her sister Pippa as her maid of honor. Prince William would’ve been launched into the moat if he didn’t go with Prince Hot Ginge, but I’m a little disappointed that Kate Middleton didn’t ask England’s finest rose Jodie Marsh to be her maid of honor. The royal wedding has now slid back a few places on the elegance scale due to Kate’s mistake.

The BBC says it was also announced that Kate will have four bridesmaids (more like bridestoddlers) including 7-year-old Lady Louise Windsor, 8-year-old Margarita Armstrong-Jones, 3-year-old Grace van Cutsem and the Duchess of Cornbread’s 3-year-old granddaughter Eliza Lopes. Prince William’s pageboys will be 8-year-old Tom Pettifer and 10-year-old William Lowther-Pinkerton.

A BRIDAL PARTY OF BABIES!!! This almost ruins everything. How am I supposed to successfully disguise myself as a member of the royal bridal party when they’re all as tall as garden gnomes? I guess I’ll have to super glue tiny shoes to my knees and hope that nobody thinks it’s weird that one of the baby bridesmaids has a 5 o’clock shadow (I’m from Camilla’s side of the family). It’s a good thing I can walk for miles on my knees. File that under: skills I learned while dating a dude with Restless Leg Syndrome.

In preparation for April 29th, I’ve been taking night classes at the Learning Annex on royal British wedding etiquette. Royal etiquette states that the best man must wear an ascot thong with a cut-out and carry the ring on his crotch finger. When Prince William and Kate Middleton are pronounced husband and wife, the best man must tear off his thong and do the dick slappy dance down the aisle. This happened at every single one of King Henry VIII’s weddings. These are the rules and Prince Hot Ginge better abide by them or off with his head (or is it, off with his clothes so that we can all give him head?).

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