Charlie Sheen’s One-Time Porn Star Piece Is Knocked Up

And every stork just nose dived into the damn ground. Kacey Jordan, the 22-year-old fuck film star who got a $30,000 check from Charlie Sheen during his massive crack & cooch party, has found her womb full of something other than tears from her other organs, crack smoke and 31 flavors of rogue jizz. Kacey is pregnant with a fetus who rapidly developed a face just so that it could make a “FUCK MY LIFE” expression.

TMZ bought the text from Kacey’s not right ass with a gift certificate to the free clinic magically got a hold of a text message that Kacey sent to Charlie Sheen telling him that she’s knocked up and doesn’t “think” the baby is his. TMZ’s sources say that Charlie wrapped his crack dick up in a condom before humping on Kacey, but they were both so fucked up that she’s not sure if they did it right. Charlie shouldn’t worry about Kacy’s name being added to his payroll under “baby mamas,” because if any of his sperm fish managed to stumble down her crotch alley, I doubt they made it to the right place. Those jizz fishes were so cracked out that they wandered around and begged anything they came in contact with for a quarter or 25 cents. And it’s not like they’d have the strength to break through an egg. If anything, they probably just passed out on top.

Charlie has yet to say anything about this, and Kacey is going to get an abortion in the next few days. In case you wanted to know. It’s sort of a sad shame, because what baby wouldn’t want to crawl into the kitchen and find his mother with lube in her hair, a coke haze in her eyes and a mouth that is throwing out the words, “You want some Wonder Breads, baby?”