Woe Is Pete Wentz

February 11, 2011 / Posted by:

Ever since Ashlee Simpson filed for divorce from Pete Wentz, he’s been as sad as the entire flat iron community when he turned his back on them and went totally organic. Pete has been ripping the ass of his skinny jeans apart by getting on his knees and begging Ass to not let their marriage drown in the pool created by his Emo tears. Pete wants his Asshole Simpson back….but she has already moved on. Cold Asshole is cold. So is mine actually, but for a totally different reason.

A source tells Radar that Ashlee and Pete were living completely different lives. Ashlee stayed home with their son Staten Island Baloo while Pete was out softening colons all over the world with his music. The source went on to say, “Pete has been crying a lot to her about this. He is crushed, and does not want it to be over. Ashlee is done, she loves him, but she’s ready to move on. When he traveled for work, she had a lot of time to think, and in the end she just felt happier without him. They married really young and have grown apart, she just wants to focus on her child and her career.”

ASHLEE SIMPSON IS A HORRIFIC MONSTER! How can she just sit there and watch the emo clown cry drops of Maybelline tar and not feel a thing?! Ashlee’s heart is as icy cold as Jessica Simpson’s metabolism. Ashlee is going to regret this. She will miss putting a lighter up to Pete’s eyeliner pencil every morning. And she will definitely miss grabbing a tub of Crisco and a chainsaw to get Pete out of his skinny jeans every night. Who’s going to entertain Ashlee by tucking his peen between his legs and dancing around like a swan before tickling her on the bed (you know that was their idea of a hot Saturday night)?! And put down your hand, Papa Joe! That question was not directed towards your side of the room!

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