But by the look of that picture, it seems Lindsay Lohan wants a peen more. Yeah, I don’t know what she’s doing up there. Maybe she’s desperately trying to wet a dry spot at the tippity top top of her bloated lips and even her tongue can’t stretch that far. Or maybe during a quick break in the courtroom, LiLo and the judge played a game of face charades and the word was “vagina.” That must be it.
It’s the morning after LiLo’s latest arraignment and TMZ is telling us all sorts of shit about what’s in the police report. The police reports makes the jewelry store owner’s memory chip look as corroded and chewed up as Ali Lohan’s innocence. The owner changed her story several times. When she first met with the cops, she told them that LiLo looked at the necklace three times before it was snatched. The next day, the owner said that LiLo had been eyeballing a ring and not the necklace. The owner also got things twisted when she first said that the surveillance footage showed LiLo dump the necklace into her Chanel bag. But the video didn’t show that at all. It showed LiLo sashaying out of the store with the necklace around her neck.
The police report also says that four days before LiLo walked out of the store with the necklace, she tried on a pair of white diamond earring. The owner claims that she took one of the earrings off and her weave covered the other earring. LiLo left her more expensive earrings (which she wore to the store) on the table as she walked around. The salesperson had to tell LiLo that she still had their earring on. She took it off and gave it back. One of LiLo’s friends says that she’s scatterbrained and forgetful, so she’s always doing shit like that.
TMZ also also ALSO also reports that LiLo wants to work out a plea with the judge or the prosecutor in the case so she doesn’t have to go to prison.
White Oprah fed Gerber’s mashed crack to LiLo as a child and she grew up punching herself in the face every time she realized she’s a Lohan, so of course her brains look like the inside of Michael Lohan’s silk panties after he puts a mesh shirt on. I mean, LiLo is a coke-fueled tornado of DUMB that knocks down houses of reason, but that’s not an excuse. I’ve seen enough old episodes of Night Court to know that the “drunktard” defense doesn’t work.
If any one of us walked out of a Zales with an upaid tennis bracelet on our wrists, the alarm would go off, the fattest security guard in the mall would tackle us and we’d be dragged into the back room where they’d torture us by hovering an Orange Julius right below our mouth hole. Yet, LiLo will once again prove that the California justice system is the greatest in the world by not spending one minute in a prison cell. I’m not mad, though. If LiLo stopped acting like a self-entitled bag of smug and actually followed the rules like everyone else, hundreds of court employees and police officers would be out of a job. Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan are keeping the economy alive! Expect White Oprah to send the city an invoice for services rendered.
UPDATE: White Oprah tells Popeater that she’s not worried at all about her innocent child going to prison, because “God has a big plan.” And here’s God’s response: