Whenever I eat on a piece of “street meat,” my mouth ends up on an open trash can, my ass ends up screaming into a toilet, my wallet is missing a few $20s, there’s a message from NYPD’s prostitution division on my voicemail and I’ve got a mysterious bruise over my kidney area. But this backyardigan heffa GAINS 10 pounds? This bitch must be dipping her street meat in chimichurri sauce, tomato-flavored corn syrup, relish, extra thick hot dog water and all the other fixings. And no, I’m not sure what kind of “street meat” we’re talking about.
Harper’s Bazaar has continued to prove that the only shit they’re selling in their bazaar are fuckery and foolery, because they’ve put Kim Kardashian on their cover and let her interview Elizabeth Taylor. Why does Bazaar keep defacing our precious legends like this? What’s next?! Noah Cyrus as Samantha Fox? Justin Bieber as Chynna Phillips circa 1990?
While I go and pray for that to not happen, here’s Kim verbally farting about how she put nuts in her mouth on a NYC street corner and her heart-hurting piece with Dame Elizabeth.
On how she filled her mouth with nuts and street meat (or “flu dogs” and “hep kabobs” as my mom calls them) in NYC: “I worked out once. I gained like 10 pounds. All the papers were like, Kim’s pregnant! I ate the nuts on the street corner, the hot dogs, the street meat. It was not a joke.”
On how she’s completely delusional: “I can carry a tune, yeah. I have a cute little voice. I talked to people in the business, and they said, ‘This is what we do for fun. You go to the movies, you go shopping, why don’t you try what we do?'”
KK to Elizabeth Taylor: “You are my idol. But I’m six husbands and some big jewels behind. What should I do?”
Elizabeth Taylor to KK: “I never planned to acquire a lot of jewels or a lot of husbands. For me, life happened, just as it does for anyone else. I have been supremely lucky in my life in that I have known great love, and of course I am the temporary custodian of some incredible and beautiful things. But I have never felt more alive than when I watched my children delight in something, never more alive than when I have watched a great artist perform, and never richer than when I have scored a big check to fight AIDS. Follow your passion, follow your heart, and the things you need will come.”
Then Elizabeth Taylor went on to say, “And who the FUCK are you? And why are you dressed like Clewhorepatra?!”