Jennifer Aniston Warming Her Lonely And Sad Womb

Or maybe she heard that rubbing will make it so. (Trust me, it doesn’t. This coming from someone who has developed raisins on his fingers from trying to get his piece to bring on the grand finale). One of those will be Star Magazine’s headline next week along with the story that Jennifer Aniston wore a black sheer dress to the NYC premiere of Whatever Rom-Com She’s In This Month, because she’s mourning the sad end of her pretend divorce from her pretend husband who left her for his pretend co-star. And now she’s a single mother to an army of Beanie Babies! The bottom of that dress would make a hot veil if she pulled it over her head.

New York City is colder than the glare Maddox is throwing at these pictures of Jennifer Aniston wearing the color he’s trying to trademark as his signature shade and obviously she’s not feeling it. That’s what eating a bowl of vodka soup for dinner will do. Nothing warm the cockles of your EVERYTHING like being drunk (and wearing feet warmers on your nipples).

Jennifer also recently gave some interview to People Magazine where she said she hasn’t dated had a boyfriend for over a year and she knows that one day the wedding inspiration wall that takes up half of her attic will be put to good use:

“I think people honestly just want to see me as a mom and married and barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. And I just want to say, ‘Everybody, relax! It’s going to happen.'”

See, Jennifer totally plays into this shit. Because what she should really say is that who needs a full-time peen and screaming kids who take up your happy hour time when you’ve got TEQUILA! And Heather Locklear’s old hair.

Here’s Forever Aloneiston along with Adam Sandler, some kids, Brooklyn Decker, Dave Matthews and Adam Sandler at premiere of that shit you’re not going to see.