And Who The Hell Is This Supposed To Be Exactly?

February 7, 2011 / Posted by:

You’d think that the words “Barbie” and “Dynasty” paired together would force me to slap myself and throw my body into a lily pond so that I don’t overheat from excitement, but that did not happen when I looked at these plastic frauds right here. Who really cares about the Krystle Carrington Barbie. The only thing it’s good for is scrubbing Alexis’ bidet, just like the drip herself. But what did they do to Alexis Carrington?!

Alexis Carrington is the most glamorous creature on the planet who makes you check your wallet and grab at your wedding ring when she enters a room, because she can steal your money and snatch your man with the blink of an eye. This doll is not having that effect on me. It looks like Audrina “Ceiling Eyes” Patridge with a brown Nancy Reagan wig on her head. When you stare into Alexis’ eyes, you should see a news ticker with rhinestone letters that read: “I will DESTROY you.” However, when I look into this cheap doll’s eyes, all I read is: “Durr. Space is big. Durr. The clouds are silly. Durr. I like shiny things. Durr.” They straight-up Durr-ized ALEXIS FUCKING CARRINGTON! That has to be illegal!

Joan Collins needs to put on her most serious business woman suit, stomp into the offices of Mattel, hand everyone there a leather glove and command them to slap the shit out of their own faces for defacing her glamorous image like this. You can’t just throw gold lamé on something and say it’s Alexis Carrington. Trust me, I’ve tried. I regularly throw a piece of gold lamé over my chest like a Glamour Shots photo shoot, look in the mirror and declare that I’m Alexis Carrington. The only thing that answers me is the voice in my head that says: “NOPE.”

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