Intervention: Elton John Is Doing It Wrong (Or Maybe He’s Doing It Right?)

Elton John has gathered everyone into the small conference room of a chain hotel, waited for Billy Joel to arrive and then read him a “Please Get Help Already” letter loud enough so we could all hear it. Is Candy Finnigan amused, or is she side-eyeing the hell out of Elton?

Elton used his interview with Rolling Stone to make a public plea to his former tourmate, Billy Joel, to stop going to spas masquerading as rehab centers and get real help. It’s not exactly a secret that Billy Joel has been a drunk old bitch for a long time, but now Elton is lifting the torn velvet curtain and letting everyone know that the “Uptown Girl” Billy sings about is probably the lady bartender at Turtle Bay Tavern who isn’t shy with the whiskey. Elton put it like this:

“At the end of the day, he’s coasting. I always say, ‘Billy, can’t you write another song?’ It’s either fear or laziness. It upsets me. Billy’s a conundrum. We’ve had so many canceled tours because of illnesses and various other things, alcoholism.

He’s going to hate me for this, but every time he goes to rehab they’ve been light. When I went to rehab, I had to clean the floors. He goes to rehab where they have TVs. I love you, Billy, and this is tough love.

Billy, you have your demons and you’re not going to get rid of them at rehab light. You’ve got to be serious. People adore you, they love you, and respect you. You should be able to do something better than what you’re doing now.”

Let’s assume that Elton has already said all of this to Billy’s hound dog face and him telling the world is a last stitch effort to force his friend into rehab. It’s sort of (not really) like the time one of my boyfriends was sick of me eating crumbly ass cookies in bed. He’d beg me to stop and I’d tell him to eff off as I bit into a delicious Famous Amos. The dude had enough, so one day in the grocery store he says in front of everyone, “Hmmm. I wonder what flavor of cookie crumb I’m going to find stuck in my ass crack from you eating cookies in bed?” Yeah, it didn’t work, but he gets an Oreo dingle in the ass for trying.

Anyway, the trees on Long Island thank Elton John for trying too.