There’s no need for you to contact Madame Tussauds’ security office to let them know that their wax statue of Voldemort escaped out of their building, disguised itself as a Thai transgirl lounge singer and is slowly melting into a puddle. This is just the forever beautiful Spaz de la Huerta blowing air kisses at the press after winning an award for best ensemble with her Boardwalk Empire castmates at the SAG Awards last night. How many members of the media do you think are still in the bathroom scrubbing the lipstick stains out of their skin? When Spaz throws you a lipstick-covered air kiss, you better block it with a piece of Bounty or you will end up getting intimate with a can of paint remover for a few hours.
That lipstick color is usually something you only find in the pocket of a chola’s Starter jacket. One of my junior high school chola friends described that color as a “dirty tampon” or a “dried blood clot.” Since she put it that way, that lipstick is a whole new shade of lovely to you, right? But on Spaz, I’d like to say that lipstick looks more like Charlie Sheen’s liquefied liver, or the melted heart of a black Pegasus.
It’s really an ingenious way to know which cocktail is yours at a party, because that lipstick leaves more than a mark. Oh, mine’s the one that looks like Tar Monster busted a bloody wet fart on it.
Here’s Spaz politely taking the mic from Steve Buscemi last night to thank whoever and to say the word “phenomenal” like she just learned it yesterday.
And the POSES! You couldn’t even learn those moves at a John Robert Powers master class taught by Phoebe Price!