Who Needs Rehab? Not Carlos Estevez!

January 28, 2011 / Posted by:

Charlie Sheen is back out on the loose just a day after a hernia issue cut his coke & cooch party short and put him in the emergency room. Charlie’s dad Martin Sheen wants to put him in rehab, but he’s simply brushing off the dried-up tears from his liver and will drag himself onto the set of Two and a Half 8 Balls on Tuesday morning. You can’t keep a good cokehead/drunk/pornoholic down for long! The doctors probably just told Charlie to wear a lifting belt before he handles overweight lines of coke and porn DVDs.

There’s a million details from a million places about what went on during Charlie’s 36-hour binge. Here’s a few details below which you can add to your “Dear Obama, Please give Charlie Sheen the purple hernia award for being an American hero” letter, or your “Dear CBS, Please cancel TAAHM and greenlight a Charlie Sheen reality show instead” letter.

1. Kacey Jordan (Wouldn’t it have been so much better if it was TRACY JORDAN?), the 22-year-old porn star who was with Charlie during some of his binge, says that he mostly spent time getting drunk, smoking coke through a green pipe and watching hours and hours of porn in his screening room. Charlie promised to buy Kacey a blue Bentley and told her he has plans to rent out a mansion near his house that all his favorite porn stars can live in.

What Kacey’s basically saying is that Charlie wants to start his own cult. Emphasis on the C in cult since the two objects of worship will be coke and chocha. Heaven’s Gate without the Nikes or mass suicide. That’s for those of you writing the “American hero” letter. (TMZ, TMZ)

2. Adrienne Maloof-Nassif of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and her husband Dr. Nassif are the ones who called 911 for Charlie. They live near Charlie and they got a call from someone at his house asking for medical advice. Dr. Nassif told them to call 911 before calling it himself.

Hopefully, Dr. Nassif also asked the paramedics to stop buy his house to forcefully pull those dreadful fiber optic tinsel strings out of his wife’s hair. (People)

3. About that hernia. One of Charlie’s friends claims that he’s had it a long time and it got worse yesterday when he laughed too hard while watching TV. Well, we know that bitch wasn’t watching Two and a Half Men, that’s for damn sure. Or maybe he was watching TAAHM and laughed at the fact that he gets paid $2 million an episode for that shit. That’s a valid laugh. But really, it’s his liver was that doing the laughing. Laughing to keep from crying. (Extra)

That’s that…for now. There’s a good chance you’ll see an encore of this post against next week when Charlie does it all over again!

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