The New Charlie’s Angels Have Been Cast And…Eh

ABC could’ve cast Charo, Quween on the Scene (or Johnny Weir) and Tiger Mom as the new Charlie’s Angels, but they decided to give us a Maxim spread instead! That booming NOOOOOOO!!!! you hear isn’t God. It’s John Forsythe (they go to the same vocal coach) reacting to the news that ABC is moving forward with their pilot of Charlie’s Angels and they’ve already cast their 2011 versions of Jill, Sabrina and Kelly. Drew Barrymore is producing this butcher fest and McG might direct the pilot. And here’s the new angels courtesy of TVLine:

Minka Kelly (Friday Night Lights and The Roommate) as Marisa, a former U.S. Marine, a weapons expert trained in all forms of hand-to-hand combat, and a neat freak.

Rachael Taylor (Transformers) as Abby, the youngest and sassiest of the Angels. The beautiful and privileged daughter of a notorious Wall Street crook, she is an expert con artist herself, as well as a Krav Maga expert.

Annie Ilonzeh (General Hospital) as Kate, a very smart and very athletic ex-cop and a master of martial arts. She is the most serious of our 3 Angels but also knows how to let her hair down and have a great time.

The ONLY way they can save this is if they get Andy Rooney as Charlie. Evil will take over the world and the criminals will prevail, because Charlie will keep the Angels on the line and force them to listen to him ramble on about how he hates frozen lima beans and doesn’t understand why nobody makes boxer shorts with a poop slot in the back. Now that is a show that would shoot straight to the top of my Netflix Season Pass list.