Susan Sarandon Is Totally Single

For the ten millionth time, Susan Sarandon wants everyone to know that she’s not using her ping-pong paddle to slap the slightly furry (I’m making an educated guess) ass cheeks of her 31-year-old business partner Jonathan Bricklin. Jonathan is the dude on the right who sort of looks like Suri Cruise after drinking too many barley protein shakes and sneaking gulps of her daddy’s growth hormones. And of course that’s Lil Jon in the middle. You’d recognize that jaws of life smile anywhere.

Shortly after Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins tore millions of heart veins by announcing their split, she was linked to Jonathan. But Susan told E! News at SPiN Sundance event in Park City, Utah last night that she’s as single as an Aniston, “I don’t have a boyfriend.”

“I don’t have a boyfriend” could be translated into so many longer explanations. It could mean that she really isn’t playing undercover naked ping-pong with Jonathan Boy. But it could also mean that she just hits that shit on the table when a long game of hitting the ball back and forth gives both of their paddles the fever. Right there on the table! Susan bites into the middle net as balls go flying! Yeah, “I don’t have a boyfriend” could also mean that. That’s why you should always check Jonathan’s ping-pong balls for ginge pubes before you handle ’em.