I Don’t Need Anything….. And I Really Don’t Need This

January 20, 2011 / Posted by:

Some of you are hoping that the sun won’t come out tomorrow, so you won’t ever have to see the remake of Annie starring WILLOW SMITH! (Okay, even if the sun doesn’t come out tomorrow they can still shoot this remake using high-powered lights and fake plants, but who cares about technicalities!) Variety is hearing that the mind of Will Smith and the professional butchers at Sony may bring us another film adaptation of Annie with Willow in the title role and Jay-Z serving as music consultant.

The remake is just in development stages right now, but there’s a good chance it will move forward since The Karate Kid starring Jaden Smug Smith was such a huge hit ($350 million worldwide). Variety doesn’t know if they will update Annie by bringing it into 2011 (they will).

Will and Jada…. Those two. You know, most parents record their children’s talent shows and then show it to everybody who comes over. That’s annoying, but it’s normal. Will and Jada get production companies to invest millions of dollars into their children’s talent shows and then they charge all of us $12 a ticket to see that shit. They must be stopped!

But seriously, I’ve never liked that whiny brat Annie anyway. She sucks. Whenever she yodels out “Tomorrow“, I say a little prayer that her dog bites her in the mouth to shut her ass up. Miss Hannigan (who will be played by Beyonce or Queen Latifah or Nicki Minaj in the remake) is the real victim in that story!

Even though I have no real attachment to Annie, I still think Willow is the wrong choice. Willow’s biggest hit is “Whip My Hair” and Annie’s ginge fro doesn’t move at all! It’s physically impossible.

The right choice for the role of Annie is Rihanna. And she showed us why when she arrived at some club in L.A. last night. I present to you…RIANNIE!

“The sun will come out tomorrow, although I won’t be able to see it since this overgrown red fern blocks my fucking vision!”

When RiRi’s done with the Annie remake, she can also make a Sideshow Bob movie and a Carrot Top biopic.

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