Because Marriage Vows Mean So Much To Jesse James

The ring Kat Von D wore to the Art of Elysium charity gala over the weekend is a real symbol of her engagement to Vanilla Gorilla after all. Vanilla Gorilla announced to People that his girlfriend of 5-months Kat Von D is about to become Mrs. Kat Gorilla. VG must’ve gotten high from the acidic fumes wafting off his sluttin’ sofa, because his declaration of love for Kat to People is a ridiculous barf-inducing haze of words. Vanilla Gorilla’s glazed “DURR” eyes aren’t just for show. Dude is “DURR” in the brains too.

“You know sometimes the public and press gets it wrong. This is one of those times. 2010 was actually the best year of my life because I fell in love with my best friend. An amazing woman who stood behind me when the world turned their backs.

I have never met anyone so kind and loving and committed to making the world a better place every day. My love for her is beyond description. So honored that she said ‘yes.’ Growing old with her is going to be a fuckin’ blast!”

Gross. Vanilla Gorilla must have fallen and hit his head on his swastika coffee table, which gave him amnesia and erased the memory of every single person he has met in his entire lifetime. That’s the only way I will accept his “I have never met anyone so kind” comment as a fact. But then again, my dog gets that “you are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever met” look in his eyes when he sniffs a piece of caca. So it’s possible! Too harsh. Too harsh. I know.

The truth is, Vanilla Gorilla and Kat Von D make sense and I’m sure he means it when he says that they will be together until death does them part. I’m also sure that their doctors have told them that they have 2 years to live, because that’s how long their marriage is going to last.