Nothing Breaks Your Heart Like A Box Of New Dicks

January 18, 2011 / Posted by:

Melissa Etheridge is currently dating her estranged wife’s best friend, Nurse Jackie creator Linda Wallem (on the left), and so you know Tammy Lynn Michaels Etheridge has some real shit to say about this. But before we dive head first into another one of Tammy’s literary work of lesbian realness, let’s get the supposed facts about Melissa’s new partner in pussy from People (or Pooper, as Tammy calls it).

One of Melissa’s friends say that she’s been close to Linda for almost 10 years. Linda served as Melissa’s best woman during her wedding to Tammy and they got together 3 months after her marriage jumped out the window and caught a ride on the exhaust pipe of a bus heading far far away. So according to the friend, Melissa and Linda have been together for about 9 months. These are not the facts according to Tammy Etheridge.

In a blog post titled “speak, spread walk the talk“, Tammy writes that People’s story has been scrubbed of any escandaloso filth that will make Melissa look like a heartless wife who passed her poon long before her marriage officially ended. Tammy says in late 2009, she had a “something in the milk ain’t clean” moment when Melissa’s assistant accidentally delivered a box of shiny new dildos to her house. Tammy writes:

i moved out november 23rd 2009
she said it would help
i was convinced it would
too and i trusted there was
no one else
i didn’t know
there was someone moving in
as i was moving out


three weeks later a box of new toys
was delivered and her assistant brought
it to my rental house as a mistake
i opened it
and that’s when i felt something was up

i called her
“i have your new dicks on my kitchen counter?”

one thing by one thing
i slowly felt things were not
they were being represented

Nothing says “out with the old vagina dust and in with the new” like a box of new dicks. By the way, every time I pick up the phone I long to hear the beautiful words, “I have your new dicks on my kitchen counter.” Fuck granite, I want new dicks for a kitchen countertop.

Tammy goes on to write that after she listened to Melissa’s new album, she knew what was really going down. Tammy begged Melissa to not let the news of her new piece get out until after the album was released. Melissa’s album comes out in three weeks, so Tammy’s begging really paid off. Tammy then sharpens her key strokes and goes after People.

so. you know. people magazine tries to get things right. they try to
clean things up for the famous folk- their sources are usually the publicist
for the celebrity. i’m here to clarify. well… i want to clarify without
dealing with getting sued for SLANDER (and paying someone), which would include
me saying that the two were involved while I was living there (it is still my house, by the way).
and i haven’t gone just that far yet.

since april of 09? mmm…. one of my little sweet peas told me otherwise much
earlier than that, Pooper magazine.

they should have shut the bedroom door.

and once again… if we’re going to have little “leaks” and such… let’s make them truthful?

perhaps folks out there are going to start doing math. “speak true and spread the peace” of 2010
i kept this to myself last summer. maybe i shouldnt have- it would have explained another reason
why there was so much bitterness in my cray-cray crazy blogs. i couldn’t believe someone would have a
saying, and motto to ask people to buy and live by, but not oneself?

spread the peace? speak true.

and i found better friends. real friends.

and most importantly to me: the kids are alright.


in other words-
it’s not news
nothing new for me
only you guys-
i found out last year
long ago
and kept my mouth shut
for some reason
i’m interesting like that:
i’d rather squirm in rage
and look crazy
than open my mouth
about someone’s secret
i guess?
i don’t know.
but i knew this
last summer
and before
no news
no “new couple!”
try again, pooper magazine.
almost only counts in horseshoes, right?

Tammy also has a new somebody in her life, but she doesn’t say who. My nerves already look like a splintery tooth pick and I’ve never cared about the state of my one working brain cell, so I really hope the new somebody in Tammy’s life is Courtney Love. Imagine the sweet rambling blog posts they’d make together? Actually, don’t imagine that unless you have a tongue depressor and a shot of methaqualone handy.

And when the hell is Hollywood going to turn Tammy’s blog into a feature film starring Julianne Moore, Annette Bening and Mark Ruffalo (he can put on a wig to play Linda)?!

(Thanks Lauren Ashley)

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