Taylor Swift Should Just Let That Shit Go To Voicemail

January 12, 2011 / Posted by:

Joe Jonas couldn’t deal with seeing Taylor Swift’s heart-shaped irises break into four pieces from getting dumped, so he did the quitting via a phone call. Jakey Gyllenhaal took a page out of Joe’s “How To Quit The Squint” playbook and also called up Taylor to tell her that he could no longer come over to her house to braid her hair and let her paint pony paw prints on his toe nails. Oh, and Jakey also told Taylor to stick his uni-corn holders in the mail, because he wants that shit back.

A source tells UsWeekly (via Hollywood Life) that Taylor thought everything was apples and latte foam between them and was totally surprised when he broke up with her over the phone. One of Taylor’s friends said, “Taylor is really upset and hurt. She doesn’t know what she did for him to just put a stop to it. She feels really burned by him.”

What really happened was that Taylor got upset when her publicist let her know that Jakey stamped a “NULL AND VOID” on their contract and said he’s off to find a new leased girlfriend who doesn’t make him skip through apple orchards and constantly order lattes with a fucking foam heart on top. But Taylor shouldn’t feel sorry for her ass. It could be worse. She could be my high school friend’s deaf ex-boyfriend.

So my friend was dating this really hot dude who was deaf. Everything was going fine, but the main problem was that he lived an hour away. In high school that counted as a long distance relationship and my friend was a huge slut at the time. Huge sluts and long distance relationships go together like….well like huge sluts and long distance relationships. Eventually, she met another dude and was really itching to get on him. Since she was a slut with morals, she knew that she had to quit the old dude before screwing on the new one. She wasn’t going to see her boyfriend for two weeks and the only way they communicated was by phone. She had to talk to an operator who captioned her words for her boyfriend and then read back what he typed out. Yes, the bitch did it. The words “It’s not working out…” came from a random operator’s fingers! What a cold motherfucker. And the he kept typing “WHY?!” over and over again. At one point, my friend said to the operator, “Don’t type this. You think I’m a total bitch, right?” The operator didn’t say shit. Silence means YES!!

He and Taylor should get together and write the lyrics for a haunting song about getting kicked into Foreveraloneville OVER THE PHONE!

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