John Travolta Debuts His Beautiful New Gift On People

Not the baby, you sillies! I’m talking about the lush and meticulously manicured Afghan Hound wig on top of John Travolta’s head. That wig with the “90s boy band part” spent 9 months in the careful hands of Travolta’s resident weave mistress and I’m so happy that he got to debut it on the cover of People Magazine! And an extra shot of happiness is bringing the dead roots in my soul back to life, because that wig paired with that white mess of a suit makes Travolta look like a Mexican televangelist who uses Liberace’s Greatest Hits as the background music for all of his sermons.

Oh, and John was also gracious enough to share his new wig’s cover with his 7-week-old son Benjamin, the new reigning Prince of Scientology. Doesn’t Baby Ben look EXACTLY like his parents? And by his parents I mean Xenu and Mary Sue Hubbard.

56-year-old John and 48-year-old Kelly Preston tell People that they’ve been trying to conceive a baby friend for three long years. The road to baby would’ve been easier if they actually did sex to each other, but genius Kelly found a way around that! Kelly paid the spa workers to turn off the sauna as soon as John sashayed out of there. Then she snuck in and scooted her cooch on the benches. BAM! It’s a miracle!

John went on to tell People that he held Kelly’s hand during labor while their 10-year-old daughter Ella Bleu sat outside with Kirstie Alley, who freaked out the hospital staff when she showed up with a fork, a bottle of Tabasco and her placenta eatin’ bib on.

Baby Ben is truly a new kind of lucky, because John says that he regularly lulls his son to sleep by singing show tunes including “A Bushel and a Peck” from Guys and Dolls. Baby Ben needs to know that most people paid a penny or two to see his father shimmy his chichis and grind on a boa (see: Hairspray), so he’s very lucky that he gets that show for free!

And here’s another shot of John’s wig and Baby Ben on the cover of Hello! Magazine:

Ben is like, “Heeeeeey, I’m over here! It’s not just about the wig, you know!”