Blasphemy: A Dynasty Movie Without Joan Collins?

You’d think that news of a Dynasty movie would make me fall out of my chair in slow motion like the first time I watched glamorous gold digger extraordinaire Sammy Jo show the Carringtons what dancing really is. Let’s all fall together again, shall we?

Seeing Heather Locklear and Joan Collins recreate this pivotal scene in IMAX 3D would make dreams come true. The sparkles shooting off of Alexis Carrington’s Nolan Miller gown would slap your disposable 3D glasses right off your face. That would be the greatest cinematic event since the time the 90s Diabolique came to the $1 theater and I watched it like 10 times in a week. But that’s not what Dynasty’s co-creator Richard Shapiro plans to do. Richard is going to scrub the 80s out of Dynasty and make a prequel that follows Blake Carrington’s rise to the top in the 1960s. THE SIXTIES. What the fuck are we supposed to do with the 60s?!

Robert explains to E!’s Marc Malkin that in the 60s, Blake finds out that he’s heir to the Carrington empire before starting the love affair of his life with Alexis. Robert is going to start passing the script around to various studios any day now. He’s also hoping this turns into a Dynasty franchise. Robert also said this shit: “It was my daughter Florie’s notion to do a prequel, and that sounded very very good to us. It’s how young Blake doesn’t realize he’s the son of Tom Carrington, but then he finds himself at the head of this company and surrounded by assassins and people who want to do him in.”

This is historically inaccurate! Alexis can’t be in the script, because she didn’t exist before the 1980s! Alexis was born on New Year’s Day 1980 when the last disco ball crashed to the floor landing on a single champagne drop. Out came Alexis as a full grown goddess covered in diamonds and gold sequins! Alexis was never a girl or even teenager! Alexis was always a woman! This Dynasty prequel shit will never work. Robert needs to go back to history class and start again!