Hot Slut Of The Day!

All hail our new overlord…..COMMANDER WHITEHEAD! If you poked at your mattress today to see if the entire cast of the Rats of Fucking Nimh is living in there, then you probably watched last night’s season finale of Hoarders. They took the ick and nast to a whole new level last night when they featured Glen, the Rat King of Llano, California, whose dilapidated kingdom was overrun by nearly 2,000 RATS! Just rats coming out of every nook, cranny, faucet, asshole, etc… It’s as if Glen threw the children’s party of all children’s parties and the Grand High Witch from Witches spiked the Kool-Aid with Formula 86′ turning everyone into rodents.

Of course, Animal Protective Services was on that shit because many of the rats were in messed up shape. One rat’s intestines spilled out like it just ate a Quizno’s tuna melt and many had cuts and bites on their bodies from fighting with the others. Not only that, but they kept doing sex to each other and popping out dozens of rat babies. So Glen was forced to turn all of them over to The Humane Society who promised to find them new homes. Pied Piper Glen was allowed to keep one rat as his only pet and he chose the very special COMMANDER WHITEHEAD (who turned out to be a lady rat):

“Am I really stuck with this bitch?” – Lady Commander Whitehead

Truth is, Glen’s story was a sad one. Glen never fully dealt with his wife’s death and so he was trying to fill the empty hole in his heart with the fumes wafting off the pools of rat piss all over his house. Somebody please introduce Glen to Debbie “The Rat Lady.” Here’s the preview from last night’s episode:

If Crazy Heart Jeff Bridges was a Tenenbaum…

Fun Fact: Commander Whitehead was the mascot and president of Schweppes back in the 1960s! I patiently await Schwepps’ upcoming ad campaign starring the new Commander Whitehead.