NOOOOOOO!

The only time Tom Hardy’s name should be linked to the Lohans is if it’s announced that he will play the role of Michael Lohan in gay porn parody on the Lohan saga. That is the only time. But since 2012 is sitting across the room and blowing air kisses at us, the rules have changed. TMZ reports that Tom Hardy, who has been dry for 7 years, is Lindsay’s new sober mentor and showing her how to keep her face worms off the bottle and her nostrils off the bad shit.

TMZ’s source says that Tom and LiLo met through a mutual friend. They had dinner last week and Tom is filling LiLo’s head with advice on how to stay riding shot gun on the wagon.

This is not going to end well. Tom Hardy is the best of both worlds for LiLo. I mean, Tom’s got a dick on the crotch and labia lips on the mouth! Bitch is a two in one. LiLo can get on the peen while munching on the sloppy cooch on his face. We’re going to have to turn the garden hose on her and pry her off with a crowbar. You know, the same drill Nana Lohan does whenever White Oprah tries to get into her medicine cabinet.

Here’s LiLo being totally annoying at a Lakers game in L.A. last night while looking like if a dusty Muppet played the role of Lisa in Girl, Interrupted.