Beard Showdown In Palm Springs

It was Battle of the Beards ’11 (not to be confused with a pot luck at the Scientology Celebrity Centre) at the Palm Springs International Film Festival last night when Jakey Gyllenhaal and Ben Affleck stomped on the carpet with half faces full of follicles.

Ben Affleck is like a dusty blue tin of Royal Dansk cookies to me. He’s totally the Royal Dansk of men. Something that looks sort of sweet on the outside and is always around, but I never pull out from the back of my kitchen cabinet to peck at even when I start to get the “I NEED SOMETHING WITH CORN SYRUP IN IT!!!” shakes. But even though Ben’s beard looks like a vine of nostril hairs has jumped out of his nose and taken over his chin, it works on him. Like Oreo frosting on a butter cookie.

Ben still doesn’t have this, though. And neither does Jakey, the dude who usually works and wears a beard LIKE NO OTHER. We should really all bow down for the field of snow-covered baby’s breath covering the bottom half of Taylor Hackford’s face. If Santa Claus got a Norelco for Christmas….

Helen Mirren is a lucky bitch, because she gets to run her fingers through that pristine bush of angel pubes every single night.

Here’s a few million pictures of everybody who cleaned up and sprayed perfume on their crotch for last night’s festival: Ben, Jakey, Jesse Eisenberg, Carey Mulligan, Natalie Portman (with two sheets of gold stickers as a collar), RITA RUDNER!!!, Brenda Song with Arm & Hammer, Marky Mark, Aaron Eckhart, Andrew Garfield, Amy Adams, Javier Bardem, James Franco, Mary Hart, Taylor with Helen, Martha Plimpton and Colin Firth.