Saints Are Just Like Us!

January 5, 2011 / Posted by:

Don’t you just want to hug Star Magazine from the back for finding this beautiful picture of Angelina Jolie looking like half of the two-headed serpent who guards the entrance to the underworld? Halo all crooked and covered with barf splatters and shit. You kind of want to put a tiny sombrero on her head and charge tourists a $1 to take a picture with her. It’s a beauty.

Unfortunately, the story that goes with this cover is not. Star is trying to hit all stops on the ESCANDALO Expressway, but their gas pedal got stuck and they crashed into the center divider instead. Basically, their sources say that Brad Pitt wants Angie to go somewhere to relax, because she’s always stumbling around like a mess. Jezebel read the article and summed it up:

At the Berlin premiere of The Tourist, Angelina “seemed so wasted and weary.” An insider claims “people were whispering… it was like she was on drugs or something. There were moments where she could hardly walk and needed Brad’s arm for support.” Maybe she was tired from jetting around the world and raising six kids?

Angelina allegedly keeps getting disoriented and needs to sit down, and collapsed at home once. Brad wants her to take a break and go somewhere to relax. We think it sounds like he means a spa, but the mag says Angelina has been drinking lots of wine and taking Ambien to help her sleep, and Brad has to watch her to make sure she doesn’t take too many pills and overdose. Sometimes she drinks a whole bottle of wine by herself after the kids go to sleep. Sounds normal! Though Angelina hasn’t used heroin in years, the mag brings it up and claims the thought of doing it “lingers in the back of her mind.”

First of all, Angie keeps falling, because the only thing she nibbles on during the day is an orphan’s whisper she keeps in a jar in her purse. I’m no Joy Bauer, but I’m pretty sure there’s no nutritional value in that whisper. Second of all, if I lived with a bunch of loud ass kids I’d drink a bottle of wine every night too. And then I’d use that bottle to smoke crack.

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