Face Meet Palm

January 4, 2011 / Posted by:

Vanity Fair is obviously trying to overtake Highlights as the #1 magazine of every pediatrician’s office, because they have put the most famous lesbian toddler since Peppermint Patty on their cover! Something tells me this cover will be slobbered on more than Hugh Hefner’s fiancee. The issue features a Bye Bye Bieber photo shoot as well as an interview sprinkled with quotes that remind all of us that he’s only 16 going on 7. We all sounded like this at 16 when Vanity Fair interviewed us….

The Bieber goo goo and ga gas about how he should really be admitted into the nursery section of the nearest mental hospital, but he’s okay with being crazy because most great musicians are (the great musicians of the world just violently shut the door to their clubhouse and padlocked that shit from the inside). Justin also admits that he suffers from insomnia and keeps the baby monitor in his nanny’s room rocking all damn night. On to the Bieb:

On how a 5150 might be in his future: “I’m crazy, I’m nuts. Just the way my brain works. I’m not normal. I think differently—my mind is always racing. I’m just … nuts. But I think the best [musicians] probably are.”

On how he loves the voices of black artists but not because they’re black artists: “Music is music, and I’m definitely influenced by Michael Jackson and Boyz II Men and people who were black artists—that’s what I like. But I like their voices and I like how they entertain—it’s not about what color they are.”

On how a trip to the nurse’s office to lie down is not an option: “It’s hard to really balance myself. A regular kid, if he catches the flu, he just gets to go home. But I can’t do that…. Everything is important. But, you know, my sanity is important, too. Even if I’m angry, I’ll just put a smile on my face and fake it. I don’t often fake it—what’s me is me….I know I have to give up a lot of myself, or a lot of a private life.”

On how he’s basically the main character in a Judy Blume novel: “I just turn over all night and think. My mind races. think about all the things I didn’t have time to think about during the day—like family and God and things that should be more important but you don’t have time to think about, because you just get caught up [in everything else] during the day.”

On how girls don’t only like him because he’s the biggest superstar in the world: “Not trying to be arrogant, but if I walked down the street and a girl saw me, she might take a look back because maybe I’m good-looking, right?”

You know, Vanity Fair should’ve saved the original Bieber for a supplement or something, and instead they should’ve done a cover story on 17-year-old Jamie Laou. Jamie is an Australian boy who has become Internet famous because he’s basically Justin Bieber’s doppelgayelle:

Yup, this just confirms what you’ve always known: the four horsemen don’t wear helmets, they wear bowl cuts.

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