Isn’t This Illegal?!

When you’re doing illegal acts of NO with your underage boyfriend and he asks you why do you have a hair cape growing down in your “just for me” area, that’s your cue to hand him your big girl business card and tell him to call you as soon as his balls drop and somebody lets him know about the birds and the bees. When your boyfriend still gets birthday cards from his pediatrician, you should probably roll out of his race car bed and keep walking. When your boyfriend tells you that you can’t sleep over tonight because he’s afraid you might steal his $20 from the Tooth Fairy, you should call up Chris Hansen and tell him to pick you up outside. This is why I CAN NOT with 18-year-old Selena Gomez for groping on 16-year-old Justin Bieber in the Caribbean over the weekend. Yes, he’s 16, but he can still play an 8-year-old Hilary Swank in a movie and nobody would ask one question about it! That’s some illegal shit!

A Belieber fresh out of the toddler asylum will suffocate Selena with their stuffed diaper for this staged mess and she doesn’t even seem to mind. Selena, think about this when you’re in the jacuzzi with Justin and he starts giggling after a floater pops up. Think about your life choices.

I swear, the Selena Kay Letourneau better be getting EVERYTHING in Justin’s piggy bank for partaking in this awkward ridiculousness. Visit Just Jared if you need more of this in your life. Sucio fucks!