Well, This Is A Shock

David Arquette has pretty much been seven shades of DRUNK AS FUCK ever since his marriage to Courtney Cox was stabbed in the heart, so nobody’s really pushing out an ounce of shock over the news that he’s checked his shit into rehab on New Year’s Day. To be fair to David, most of our livers probably crawled out of our assholes and took a cab to the nearest rehab clinic on New Year’s Day. Yup, that’s what fell out of your ass. It wasn’t an old condom. Relieved, right?

So anyway, they’re going to wring the sweet nectar out of David’s pores, take a million Biore strips to his greasy ass face and get him all cleaned up. David’s spokeswhore confirms the news to People and a source added this:

“He is in there for drinking and depression, not hard drugs. Rehab was inevitable. He is dealing with a broken heart. He can’t handle all the changes in his life. All his inner demons came out.”

All his inner demons came out?! That sounds like me on the toilet after drinking well tequila and Taco Bell’s $5 box. And for real, I feel for David’s roommate. You know David’s ass. The bitch CAN TALK about his problems! He goes on and on and on and on and on. David’s poor roommate is in there trying to keep off the bad shit and he’s got that loud ho crying out a river of WAH WAH WAH about all his damn problems. David’s roommate will definitely learn in a quick minute how to make a mild-altering drug out of toilet rust, paint chips and carpet fibers.